This week has been pretty crap for me, I have been down and struggling but it is life. There are always up and downs but I always come out the other side and no matter what happens I will always come out the other side that you can be sure of, as I am 100% sure.
Where to begin I guess to say why I am writing this blog and why i feel the need to get my thoughts and feelings out there. Well I guess I should start at the begining and the reason for me feeling down this week I am going to be honest and try not to hold anything back so bare with me ……….
Sometimes we all go through a reflective period well at least I do, remember the good times and hurt because some things will never be the same. Different things come in to my head I don’t know if its to do with being tired, just over thinking or feeling down in myself, if i am honest a mix of all three. There are a lot of things that have happened that often lead me to not feel good enough, feel sad and just that people would be better off without me bringing them down. I do not often tell people things about me, just whats on the surface but now I guess its time to open up with strangers and friends and hopefully clear my mind.
Feeling not good enough:
This stems from my home life, I have a sister who I dont know she is a lot older around ten years older than me but until I was 18 years old I did not know she existed. My mother decided to tell me the day before I started college and it crushed me. I hate lies and I realised how good my *family* were/are at telling them, my parents spent my life lying to me for reasons both personal and selfish to them. My mother had her at about 20 I think quite young but in a time where having a baby before marraige was shunned and shamed upon. I have the utmost respect for my mother for having her and know it was not an easy thing to do however she put it on me and my brother with little thought and ordered us to lie. I could not tell half of my family and it killed me on my grandmothers death bed to have to hold something back. Its just me I cant do lies they eat me up, make me ill and tear me apart . It made me wonder what else could be lied about and if there were more. My family have this thing where they constantly think of themselves, I do love them dont get me wrong but its not easy and I dont like them as people which is a sad thing to have to admit. Anyways the lies make you feel worthless and guarded i guess, its hard to explain, but I guess I am trying to.
So when I was 18 i found out she existed and that was a shock, weird and hard but everything had to be pushed aside and *happy faces* put on. We e-mailed like a couple of times, we were quite similar it was scary loved the same things which i didnt expect as my brother hates a lot of the things I like except Gossip Girl lol :p but we were so similar and it was really weird but we were going to meet up and get to know each other which was both scary and exciting, however she soon changed her mind I guess I dont know she just stopped replying and blocked me out I guess. it was pretty painful and still is today but its what makes me sensitive to other peoples feelings and recognise when something is wrong I can see, feel, read peoples pain when they are hurt I suppose in a way I look out for it and try to help, let them know that someone is there for them and care, its something I never got or wanted as I simply dont share, I bottle things up and build walls tis what i am good at
Remembering the good times and hurt as they will never be the same :
I have made this all in one as its simply me feeling down, grieving for two people I loved and are sadly not around anymore. Two people who were honest to a fault lol and would never lie to me, they showed me love, made me mad on occasion as I did them but I always knew i could count on them. When I was 17 yes a few months before my mother decided to tell me, my grandfather died he was a stubborn, insensitive, on occasion cruel and very honest but very blunt however he knew what he was and wouldnt change for anyone I was his princess I guess the one he loved his grand daughter, a lucky person who got to see the caring sensitive protective teddy bear that he really was, He could scare anyone lol but they never saw him with pink bobbins in his hair or got to cook with him or cuddle with him, I was a lucky girl and will always treasure him but when i feel down I do miss him like hell and I dont think it will ever change and nor would i want it to.
My Grand mother died the year just gone a lovely woman who stook her head in the sand on occasion but knew more than she let on, she was a smart woman one I loved to death. I nursed her through her illness it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do but it was rewarding it gave me a sense of love and allowed her to die with grace. When others let her be and didnt believe she was as sick as she was, which they didnt, it was up to me to make them see sense and my father hated me and I dont mean dislike I mean hate as he didnt want to see what was happening despite everything he wouldnt come to terms with it. I didnt want to either for christ sake who wants to watch someone die but had to as decisions had to be made and I will forever have that in my head now, no matter what is said and done I will forever be wondering what if I had made them act sooner, what if i had paid more attention, Could i have done anything different, so many things race through your mind when in reality i know I couldnt have done anymore it doesnt make it hurt any less or stop me thinking about things any less. It will be something I live with and think about for ever.
These two people meant the world to me and When i am feeling lost the feeling of missing them will forever be with me. I love them so much and always will <3 xxxxx
Right as to why I am writing this:
I was having a down week as I previously said and all of the above were on my mind so I decided to step back away from everyone and everything. Tis what I do I needed space to clear my mind as I was upset and in tears and still am upset and in tears as I am writing this but i needed to get this off my chest and set some things straight.
I started to get messages from a friend someone i really cared about and so i explained what was up and that I just needed some time. I explained all of the above on many occasions to her including this one but I came to realise it wasnt me she was bothered about it was herself. A good friend would recognise when you are down and respect that instead of hurt your feelings and make you cry. Said friend was not actually a friend I have learned but a user and someone who needs attention i guess, someone which i cant help as its my opinion they love the attention they get from people.
On Monday everything became clear to me, I had spent the day talking to her and trying to make her see that I wasnt pulling away from her, I wasnt blaming her and I certainly wasnt meaning to upset her. When i think of this now I think christ I was in tears and instead of understanding and respecting my wishes she only thought about herself. Stupidly i guess I thought we had worked everything out were laughing again and I thought i had helped her see it wasnt about her it was about me. I know this may sound selfish but occasionally in life you need to think about yourself and not others but for me I hate to see someone upset i try and help but i was a mess myself so thought she had understood it wasnt about her, it was just me needing some space in my real life and that she would respect that.
She didnt respect it I guess and that is when the games started, she unfollowed me, she sent me a message telling me she had pmd me when i tried to return i couldnt as she wasnt following me, I thought twitter was acting up or something but then i got to the pm and she said she had unfollowed me. Now for a lot i know this sounds a bit petty or whatever but this was a person I trusted and opened up to and it was a shock to be honest but without it my eyes wouldnt have been opened. I replied to the pm saying fair enough and Good bye. It was simple and effective and said what i wanted to say.
However I then started to get hounded by texts, pms, facebook messages it was a mess, her game of being able to refollow me and get more attention had reached a problem, I had blocked her and made my account private temporarily. I guess she was expecting me to accept her back and give her the attention she wanted or whatever but thats not me I do not play games with people and will not have them played on me.
I am still getting messages and they go from aggressive to happy to be honest its quite scary but one thing is for certain I have not replied to any since my final message of good bye. For all those wondering what has happened nothing is the case I havent said a word to her I have said all I am willing or wanting to say to her. I know she is tweeting stuff about me as i can see and get dms and pms asking questions which is why she is doing it. She is simply looking for attention and doing a very good job at getting it.
Jealousy is a thing people suffer with and this is the case with her I am afraid, she wanted to be me or something which is madness as I am just a normal person with issues and a hell of a lot of baggage. She even told people to stop tweeting me I had someone say this to me a long time ago and I didnt believe it as the person wasnt the sanest lol and I didnt think people would do that but since monday I have had people tell me who I will not grass up that she had asked them to do the same. One person saying it is just a warning, more than one which is the case is a pattern.
This is my final say on everything related to her and I didnt want to have to do or say any of this but things are getting too much and I need to put a stop to things once and for all. I do not want people to have to choose or take sides which is why i have stayed silent but enough is enough for me and I need to speak. This is the honest truth whether you choose to unfollow me as a result is up to you if you do I wish you nothing but the best
I am not a bad person I hope anyone who takes the time to read it sees that and I do have a heart one that loves people and often gets hurt by people this is the case at the minute. I have my ups and my downs, I am very sensitive and care for anyone, I have a lot of love to give out and would like to think i am an open enough book that will say it as I feel it and never lie. I put my backround into this as it both is relevant to what happened and it is relevant to me as a person, love me or hate me I can only be me and thats all I will ever be. Sorry for boring you all if anyone bothered to read this.
lots of love,