…….

Some times I just want to write, what about? is the question I ask myself all of the time. It is so tough to remain private and yet share some thoughts and feelings. To me thoughts and feelings are intimate, they are what makes me tick so again the line between private and public becomes blurred. To share or to internally combust.

Finding and maintaining the balance between your head and your heart ruling what you do is tough and to be honest I don’t think there is a balance. For me there isn’t a set measure where you know which one to follow which is hard for a control freak with obsessive compulsive issues.

Lately I am struggling, I don’t trust many and that list seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the minute. I cut people out that is what I do, I test and the results are posted inside my over thinking brain with a pass(which is rare) or a Fail. Yes my head is a mindfield, I can’t help it, it is the way I am wired. You push me, inadvertantly or not and I will remember.

The funniest and yet bizzare part is that these people have not got a clue, I don’t share bottle it all up not to be repeated to another soul. It just comes out in a waffle filled blog without specifics in order to keep some of myself hidden.

My heart is the soft side of me, the side who wants to see the best in everyone, to forgive and just love. Its the side of me that sometimes gets me into trouble by not protecting myself enough and inevitably getting hurt. But the love that it allows me to have and share always outweighs the bad in the end. Unconditional love is the only kind that really matters in life well in my life anyways.

My head is the smart, strong and knowledgeable side of me, that knows exactly what I should do and what I want to do. It allows me to remember every thing I neeeeeedd to know in life whether it be school related, life related or just the gossip and reality tv show related!  

My childhood memories consist of my parents asking me where they put certain things and me appearing 5 minutes later with them. No I did not hide them! haha! I just had like photographs of them in a certain place in my head that led me to them. Weirdly that is my talent my memory who on earth knows where I got it from but its there and it remembers everything from the place of meaningless household objects to someone hurting me intentionally or not.

Neither is all positive or negative but the issue I have is when they struggle to match up. Like why does your heart tell you to trust someone when your head is telling you run as far away as humanly possible. My head is a dangerous place that moves at the speed of light, it takes so long to switch it off sometimes which is why I type up waffle for no one to make sense of at random times of the night.

I know for a fact I am too sensitive for my own good, I repeat it in my head a million times a day. If I have doubt over how something is meant I repeat it in my brain until I combust and/or breakdown. Maybe if I shared or let someone know instead of breaking but I just do not feel comfortable telling or being that way in front of people. I can hold it in like a champ! I have trained myself so well.

Sometimes I feel like if I do say these things out loud or if I do post these somewhere, someone will judge and think I am mad but really I am just living the best way I can. I feel like shouting in some cases ‘until you walk a mile in a person’s shoes you should not judge them!’.

I am now asking what in the name of god have I written and why? It’s like verbal diarrhea, you start a simple sentence and then the flood gates open.

In the end the only person I write to and for is myself, it really is. Selfish and self centered but its the only way to bring some clarity out from behind clouds of darkness. I feel embaressed to hit send but it is necessary to get it out of my head completely otherwise it just seeps back in where as hitting send, releases it in some weird way.

I guess we all have our little quirks mine are mine nothing I can do about them at this stage!

I both love and hate writing, love clearing my brain yet hate sharing it! That is why god invented sleep so people like me could get crap off our chests without annoying people with pointless crap.

New Years Resolution!

Never have I ever been into new years nor have I really taken any time with it… It just passed by and is over rated in my opinion! 

This year I have decided to do what I do to everything else, make it my own! Not one for the norms as I think it loses it’s effect if everyone does the same thing! 

To be honest most people I know treat new years as a party nothing more nothing less! 
Nothing wrong with that either just not me! 

So it was Christmas night when I decided I needed to set out some guidelines for myself for the year! 

Number 1 on the list is to be a better friend and in particular a better best friend! My poor best friend has to put up with me and does! I am hard to deal with, a smartass, mega weird and not to mention sarcastic as hell! He is a saint to put up with me! God only knows why he does! He is a sweetheart really ( I will deny this was written in real life!) and has my back through anything! He does be pretty awesome and gets me as his friend lol! Poor guy!

Number 2 will be to feel better, get stronger and prepare for the final stages of growing up! Job and house has to come in a few years! A little scary but a lot exciting! No more shite in my life only positivity sounds pretty great to me right about now!

Number 3 to be the best aunt ever and help my nephews who are growing up too bloody fast for my liking! Seems like on,y yesterday the youngest was being born, tis only when ya get thumped, elbowed and kicked ya quickly realise he isn’t a baby anymore! 

Number 4 to decide wholly and completely what I want to do and be for the rest of my life! I have some ideas but have not cemented anything! I need to grow up and Choose but it’s daunting! I promise to do it this year! 

Number 5 keep my health in check and take care of myself better than I have been!

Number 6 take my final driving test and get my license!

Number 7 try to stop being an emotional wreck and testing people! Sorry it’s a built in design flaw with me test and push the boundaries! It’s not really tests that people are designed to pass!

Number 8 have more fun this year! I reckon I can just about manage this!

Number 9 keep my guard up and trust myself I know who to trust and who not to. 

Number 10 write everything I feel down and hit publish, no one is forced to read, if ya are bored that’s your own fault! Hitting publish makes me feel like its out and the open and out of my head so sorry can’t apologise for that! Tis my twitter and I am sick of trying to please others!

Somehow I got 10 Jesus! I shall am sure think of more throughout the year if I can do them I will if not there is always next year, well if I am still here then!

Bored so decided to write……..

Right so I am bored and a bit of a youtube addict so I thought I would combine the two but in a weird way! Ya know the way ya go through life and your music tastes of course change well mine has done exactly that but I wanted to put a record of it down for my own amusement!

So here goes…..

First song I ever remember http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyfLER3Z0-Q&ob=av2n I thought I was the coolest thing around! Heheh! I still am of course! It’s a timeless classic! It was a tape and I rocked my headset!!!!

Ooohhh most played song as a kid, was…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BXR5dgRmO0 hehe I had no clue about boys at the time by the way! I just found this now cd in my house probably my brothers and put it on replay to the max! My Karaoke version will deafen ya! *Sways*

So I gathered a little momentum, I have a musical family although we can’t sing it doesn’t mean we don’t! My nanny was an amazing singer, she sang to me all the time, her favourite song was http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCtg29-9GsE even performed it on tv once! I was dead chuffed I got a half day! Woops sorry nanny! ( Rest in peace!)

As a child I traveled to and from Limerick, where my mam is from, it used to be a tough journey back in the day so the odd time someone thought me something new one of my faves was http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzhAp_5F7RY I was such a cool kid I came straight home and had all my mates singing too! I haven’t a clue what has happened :-O

Every year before the summer holidays we were forced to put on these bloody plays, oh god I was a dwarf totes rocked as grumpy!!! I sang along in molly malone http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9Deeh9n-VI&feature=fvst Brilliant song! But my mortification (at the time) came with the classic http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF-VwjPNLr0 (crap version ya will get the drift) one of my bestfriends and me on the fake bike made of cardboard is forever indented in my head! I was a kid! LOL! I have grown up now but I used to go purple when put in front of a crowd! I tell ya I am shy deeeeeeppppp down!

Ehmm next came the awkward boyband loving stage I think! I totally loved http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQQz56m8a1M who knew it actually led to some of my love of acoustic songs! I played this non stop on holidays lying by the pool with this song literally repeating non stop ahaha oh god! I think I was what 11 or so! But they were what dreams were made of to me!

I so reminiscing here with that song! Not good LOL!

Hmmm I love a lot of music but these are just my stages I suppose, through life the music that has meant something to me! As I have previously mentioned http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnQ8N1KacJc&ob=av2e this is one of my all time favourite songs given to me by my childhood best friend! He introduced me to music I suppose!

We were a double trouble totally terrorised people ahahah! Twas fun we were totally the ones sitting in mac donalds blowing paper out of straws as they passed! heheh! We were totally inconspicuous though we blamed the toddler we were with! Smart cookies

I loved Greenday and still do to be honest! They will forever have a major part in my rebelious streak! I think my mam may hate them though when I made her travel all around the country listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Yi-LvnM_5M&ob=av2n and the rest of the album! Fun times!

Christ I am more of a handful than I thought!

Oh god so many stories so not going to tell them! I was a good kid really *flutters eyelashes* Could have been so much worse! In a small town I had a laugh! Nowt wrong with that peeps!!!

Oooohhh first MAJOR crush time had to go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpdcKmaHk_s&ob=av2e *Dances* I am still a 5ive fan, how can you not be ?!?!?!? They are totally brilliant!!! hehehe

OMG! Nearly forgot http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkWQDDv_qdg Blue in concert just made my teenage years!!! Simon <3333 Me and my best girl friend went to see them we loved us some of them! Granted she was more of a Duncan girl! So there were no wars!

I also did some mc fly loving! They were totally cool though! (still are) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mUFbdW0XwY My 17th birthday went to see them in concert! Was great show! although they didn’t have the same impact on me as some of the other bands I still liked their songs!

My favourite Girl Group (until the x factor this year sorry kelly but NO!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQgd6MccwZc&ob=av2e They kill it, say exactly what I want to say only they say it better! Beyonce is amazing and just kills it live in concert! Such an inspiring kind and considerate woman! She was brought up well and has had the success, showing that you can be yourself and respect yourself as woman and still be successful!

Seeing her do this song live http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWpsOqh8q0M&ob=av2e just makes you sit up and listen! She made me realise that you should listen to the lyrics of songs! Good music has a message behind it!

Hmm Fast forward to now skipping a whole lot of teen angst, boy trouble, bitchy girls, a hell of a lot of study, my grand parents , my beautiful nephews, family fueds and of course my introduction to blogs! (which I am sure ya all are sick to death of now!)……. I am now a grown up, adult with responisbilities and a better music taste if I do say so myself!

Through the last year I have been happy and sad but I found music was a great way to say how I feel without actually saying it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSZVYZTze74&ob=av3e for obvious reasons and some not so obvious but they mean something to me……. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPTlhBmwRg&ob=av3e cause it makes me smile and maroon 5 were always on replay with me so many awesome heartbreak songs and of course anthems!!!

Coming to the end of my waffle and fun but thought this song is something that has been forgotten by most but birdy says it way better than I could ever http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joi5YhlGNUs&ob=av3e ……….

I also have to thank Katy Perry for making music that I want to listen to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahha3Cqe_fk&ob=av2e this song is relevant as I reckon behind it all, maybe because I am a girl or maybe because it is brilliant music!

And finally http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBcMKwbMEcQ the awesomeness deserves to be on this list! She is a modern day musical legend!

Music is a form of expression, be it good or bad it is a form of expression, its broad enough to allow each and every person to have a genre which they like best and if they have not found the perfect one for them they can create a new one!

I think I have possibly lost the plot but this has totally cheered me up! Every person should create a list of like 10 songs that describes them best, it is harder than you would think! But fun to laugh and look back heheh!

*lost the plot*

Silently Screams.

For as long as I remember I have struggled with illnesses, catching every cold going, every type of stomach bug, every type of everything! Anything ya can imagine I suffered through.

I have had years of people looking at me, passing comment and making me feel like absolute crap! As a kid it was so hard, feeling like people didn’t believe you, getting treated like utter crap!

I suppose I can thank all the idiotic people through time for making me aware of people and their feelings! It has both hindered and helped me but at least now I am hopefully on the road to recovery!

Nothing serious in the grand scheme of things but it has been my teenage years and some of my time as an adult but hopefully I am on the way to full recovery, the more I learn about what I have the more sense it makes to me but it also brings frustration!

The frustration comes from the years of pain, like serious pain and fatigue and expense! Feeling like a burden! It got to the stage I have become afraid to tell someone I am sick for the fear they will say again or as usual or some comment that after a while cuts!

My self consciousness comes from not feeling good, not feeling well and feeling like a burden! But I am hopefully now on the way to being on the mend! If I do as I am told and get my injections for as long as they recommend which may be life but I shall deal with it if so.

All I would say is beware of what and how you say things, it can hurt but most smile through the pain. There is always a reason, whether you are sick and no one can help you feel normal like me or what ever, nothing ever happens without a reason.

To think simple injections are all I would have needed to make the last 10 or so years be better is baffling but I am glad I know now and still have a lot of life to live!

Sorry for rambling writing things down always helps me and I kind of want to send support to anyone who needs it! Lots of love to one and all Xxxxxxxxx

Excuse the following Big Brother rant :-) (Extra Waffle :P)

Excuse the following Big Brother rant  

To some Big Brother is rubbish, to some it is entertainment and to others it is a way to watch and analyse the dynamics of today’s society.  

I love it, always have and always will. It has allowed me to open my mind and observe. I have always had a side where I like to sit back and observe, to learn about people and to see the similarities and differences in society and ~ try ~ and understand them……

I think I am pretty good at it if I do say so myself! 

I know others don’t understand or get it and some have never tried too and will never but I have grown up with it and its a part of life to me, its entertainment and interesting to me to put it simply….

My family all think I am mad Lol they have never watched it a day in their lives and often make me feel small for watching it…. But without Big Brother I do not think I would be who I am today!

My nanny was awesome always kept me company, God I loved that woman! Anyways to the point of my waffle….

Big Brother has lost what makes it special in my opinion, it has just become a joke. Why? I don’t honestly know I can only guess…..

The housemates are all to me copies of ones who have gone before, Ones who can not be immitated which is what some of the current lot are trying to do. 

The fault lies in the recruiters, the seem to have lost originality and have picked the most uninspiring bunch of people to put in the house. I believe they picked who they thought the public would like instead of picking fresh personalities, they went bland and have really brought us nothing we haven’t seen before! 

Another fault the obvious lack of live feed, won’t go on too much about it but to say if Tom is/was as much of a bunny boiler that the producers seem to want to portray then, why did the people he lives with, the ones he can not escape, the ones who see everything NOT nominate him…….. There may or may not be reasons for his reaction without LF we will never know!  

Unlike every other year where I have had a favourite I don’t have one! I don’t like any of the current housemates at all! They pale in comparison to what has gone before them! 

It is frustrating me with the editing, they are not showing enough of the other housemates, in reality its being turned into a soap opera jumping from one story to another and only showing things like nudity and sexual behavior. 

It is in effect turning into something I don’t want to watch at all, words I never thought I would ever say! 

People say get over it, don’t watch…… it is harder than ya think this is a part of my childhood, something that helped me escape any narrow minded mindset I may have had as a result of my real life……. 

I guess I am sad, and praying for dear life people stop cheapening it and bring back the Big Brother we once knew and loved……. Is it bad I hope every night that soon it will change back and be great once again ? 

I guess thats me the eternal optamist…… with so many amazing intriguing characters in the world today, with all the different cultures we have yet been introduced to, there is definitely a place for Big Brother in society but not as it exists today…….

I hope channel 5 soon find the balance and will hold out hope that what I love about Big Brother will return again! 

Sorry tired just wanted to write somewhere…. Sometimes I feel I just can’t get my point across in the right way, so waffle…..

Getting shit out of my system!

Thinking as I go so bare with me…….

what makes people be so mean ? do they get a kick out of it ? do they really hate you that much ? Just why? 

I really struggle with upsetting people when I talk I guess I shouldnt bother anymore eh! people are just nasty! whether they mean to be or not they need to have a word with themselves I guess I shouldn’t bother anymore just stay cold, calculated, uncaring, not giving two shits about anyone bar myself! Not a fun life but a necessary one, sounds like the perfect balance right about now!  

Or is it lack of intelligence ? although some of the most intelligent people are shit with people! What is the answer ?! 

I reckon its a mixture a lack of intelligance and emotional intelligence! With a touch of Complete Ignorance ? People do not think before they act I wish they would but they dont! 

I know I over think and over emote but I have got to change, toughen up, become ignorant, stop over thinking and just dumb myself down! 

Might seem stupid to someone else I know I am odd but its hard to stand by and feel targeted I suppose for proving your point beyond a shadow of a doubt! Sometimes doing that isnt fun when the whole point is not to upset someone in the first place! Oh I give up! 

My head actually hurts now, I think I need to switch off completely! 

Oh and the plus of everything is I know no one really gives a shit! Enlightening! I expect too much from people and I am not worth it so I don’t blame anyone lol! 

Only so many times ya can get used like listen to me and then don’t get anything in return when ya need it eh! Not aimed at anyone but myself I should know better by now! 

Those few who I know care, sorry for getting so upset and sorry for making you worry. Christ this blog thing is really depressing haha! I guess me in a nutshell! Messed up! 

I don’t think anyone has ever asked but this is my favourite song!

If you are reading this sorry haha that will teach ya to open my links! 

Lets hope a better day tomorrow when the love of my life my nephew turns 2 where have the years gone! and Where are those bloody batteries ? Hes an adorable nightmare lol <3

*goes to try and switch off* xxx

I.I..I…I….I…..I….. ( thinking out loud)

I.I..I…I….I…..I….. ( thinking out loud) 

I think I am probably one of the most depressing people in the world sometimes but in reality I promise I am not that bad, I just wear my heart on my sleave and when I lose someone that meant something to me I break, I crumble and just think I am a jinx that no one should ever get to close to. 

In the last year I found writing was the only way to clear my head, I couldn’t care less if anyone reads it but if you do I think it gives you an insight into my soul and how I am feeling at a particular space in time! So my *blog* gets that, along with my probably sick to death twitter followers :-/ sorry I am trying to spam so no one sees I promise! 

I hate loss of any kind but if its someone I feel I can trust whole hartedly its like a piece of me goes with that person. I wallow, feel sorry for myelf but inevitably get on with life and concentrate on being free to live my life free from any and all burden and with no lies, dear god no lies! 

I have never seen so many judgements before in life as I have recently, I believe in live and let live. I am a real person, not one who is nice all the time, people I know will attest to that, I am moody, I am annoying, I am a *know it all* been called so many names or had so many labels thrown at me in my time all I can say is I am me! Get to know me or don’t but along with all the bad I would do anything for anyone who needed it, I am an in it for life type of girl who rarely says things she doesnt mean ( However I do say things I have to take back it doesnt mean I didnt mean it when I said it though! ) I will always have your back if you need it and I am not afraid to fight for or against something I truly believe in. 

God this is depressing me lol I recently lost a friend so I need to write I am sorry, I just feel like waffling through the tears of another good person lost way too early. A proper friend is someone you can rely on, one who will be there no matter what, one who makes you feel safe, one who listens to ya waffle ( with me thats a must! ), one where you dont even have to speak but you know no matter what that person will be there for you. He was a friend one I wanted to get to know better but one who when we first met thought I was too good to be true lol like so many others, he didnt get that I am just me but within minutes of our first conversation he admitted that and appologised. It was an honour to talk to him, to laugh with him and to just cry with him when something went wrong. I realised last night how recently its always been him I went to and he listened for which I will be eternally greatful. I will miss him(selfishly), I prayed for the first time in a long time last night for him and his family, I will never know why god takes the best people in life too soon.

Words are cheap, I get that people say one thing mean another and I hate that, I mean what I say if I didnt there would be no point in saying it in the first place. I think too much for my own good but I often wonder when I talk to people do they mean this ?! will this really happen?! is it an empty promise ?! or is it an answer to quickly change the topic and not meant ?! lol I cant leave something until it is done or until I know for certain someone means what they say. Empty promises dont work on me anymore as quite frankly I dont trust many enough or let them get close enough to even try! *nod and smile* is my friend these days, makes the times when things do work out even more special. No expectations just what will be will be I suppose. Giving up trying to control that which is beyond control just meh! 

An example of my thinking too much is people have this notion I am too nice or that I am a sandwich short of a picnic, whatever the saying is lol but I am not while you are dismissing me I am reading and analysing you, something I can promise ya. I read into everything as everything a person does gives things away about there character. I am an expert in reading people in real life, well I would like to think although I do think anyone can tell someone who is going to stick it out and someone you can rely on from the weak and the users. For me tone does come accross in the written word too and it gives away your thoughts and in certain circumstances mannerisms. No I dont go searching everyones tweets and analysing lol its a gradual thing, you can in my opinion get a sense of a person whether they are sad, happy, funny….. the list goes on. 

God so now I am making myself a stalker lol meh what will be will be I am allowed to harmlessly waffle to myself unless I am missing something ?! 

The thing is life is not a buch of roses its hard, painful and full of suffering, I hope good comes from all that life throws at you, I guess I will always have that optimism that one day it will change and something decent will happen! 

Its my nanny’s 1 year anniversary mass this week, she will have been gone a year and I miss her, I miss her company, her snoring on the couch opposite me and feeling comfortable enough with just sitting with someone and knowing they loved you and saw the best in you and genuinely loved you mood swings and tantrums and all just love. I guess I have had enough love in my life I had her. Now I am as I like to think of it a jinx get close at your own perril, not too sure I am worth the hassle! Better just to be a person you can rely on from a distance than in reality?! 

Meh meh meh meh meh lol I do love that word so much can be said in so few characters! One I seem to use a lot lately but what can ya do :p 

Maybe tonight I shall get some sleep now that the constant spin cycle is out of my head and written down, I do hope so! 

<3 Always Xxxxx

Rest in peace everyone who is now at rest Xxxxx

<3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKfzXq1gcG4 This song is epic says so much Xxxx

Thoughts of this week!

Thoughts of this week!………………..

 

Hmm so many thoughts so little space to get them all down :p 

 

First of All for me has to be the death of Amy winehouse and the tragic occurances in Oslo. My heart goes out to everyone who lost their lives this week.

 

For me the Amy Winehouse news hit hard I am a fan of her music, a true talent. She was a true gem, her music will stand the test of time of that I am sure! When I heard the news I was shocked taken way before her time but I hope this will be an end to her suffering. 

 

Addiction and being taken before your time are two issues very close to my heart. Some know some dont that I dont drink nor do I smoke and that is for two reasons addictions do run through my family, excessive drinking and of course smoking has been prominent in my early childhood. I lost some great people to the evils at work some I never even got to know. The second reason is personal choice I dont like the smell of smoke or the loss of control people experience when they drink. I am an analyser, I think things through I rarely make a decision without proper thought being put into it, I hate to lose control! 

 

Being taken too young is a tougher one which really came to the for front of my mind when I saw and read Kelly Osbournes words on twitter….. *the worst day of my life* as a description of the funeral, I immediatly thought I am with her I felt the exact same when a 19 year old friend of mine died nearly 2 years ago. For me the similarities are uncanny as she took her own life, she was stunning absolutely gorgeous and a sweet girl. Life got to much for her the pressures did of how to fit in and conform and she struggled to find what she wanted to do or who she wanted to be. Similar is what I imagine of Amy she struggled to cope with the pressure and drugs made her feel better. I know very little about the addiction but like any other I assume its to fill a void and to take away pain or feeling, it is to make a person feel better and addiction is not to be ashamed of or to make fun of its an illness like any other that needs to be helped! 

 

I do not judge, as really, who is anyone to judge another, you never know when you may be in a bad situation, or struggle to find reasons to live ? it could easily be your brother, sister, aunt, uncle, mother, father, son, daughter etc. Compassion and dignity cost nothing in society but they are very rarely used. Imagine feeling that low and like there was no way out, there is no reason to live, feeling like no one would care if you lived or died ?. When I think like this I feel sad and have compassion and respect peoples privacy so as not to ridicule them and make them feel worse. The old saying those in glass houses shouldnt throw stones comes to mind. Think before you act or react is one message i would like to pass on.

 

No matter which way someone dies respect should be shown and if nothing good can be said nothing should be said. As a fan of Amy her death hit me hard, she was unlike many others unique and awe inspiring which is why I related to her death. That does not mean however that I dont have an equal amount of sorrow for those in Oslo or anywhere in the world who has lost someone!

 

I dont know what it is but  I always feel better after writing my thoughts down on paper, clears the mind and refocuses me. 

 

 

 

Side note to keep in mind  

It really is true though in life those who love you for who you are will stay no matter what, those who try and manipulate you into doing what they want are ten a penny and will always get shown up or show themselves up in the end.

Lies, Games, life and moving on……..

This week has been pretty crap for me, I have been down and struggling but it is life. There are always up and downs but I always come out the other side and no matter what happens I will always come out the other side that you can be sure of, as I am 100% sure.  

 

Where to begin I guess to say why I am writing this blog and why i feel the need to get my thoughts and feelings out there. Well I guess I should start at the begining and the reason for me feeling down this week I am going to be honest and try not to hold anything back so bare with me ……….

 

Sometimes we all go through a reflective period well at least I do, remember the good times and hurt because some things will never be the same. Different things come in to my head I don’t know if its to do with being tired, just over thinking or feeling down in myself, if i am honest a mix of all three. There are a lot of things that have happened that often lead me to not feel good enough, feel sad and just that people would be better off without me bringing them down. I do not often tell people things about me, just whats on the surface but now I guess its time to open up with strangers and friends and hopefully clear my mind.

 

Feeling not good enough:

 

This stems from my home life, I have a sister who I dont know she is a lot older around ten years older than me but until I was 18 years old I did not know she existed. My mother decided to tell me the day before I started college and it crushed me. I hate lies and I realised how good my *family* were/are at telling them, my parents spent my life lying to me for reasons both personal and selfish to them. My mother had her at about 20 I think quite young but in a time where having a baby before marraige was shunned and shamed upon. I have the utmost respect for my mother for having her and know it was not an easy thing to do however she put it on me and my brother with little thought and ordered us to lie. I could not tell half of my family and it killed me on my grandmothers death bed to have to hold something back. Its just me I cant do lies they eat me up, make me ill and tear me apart . It made me wonder what else could be lied about and if there were more. My family have this thing where they constantly think of themselves, I do love them dont get me wrong but its not easy and I dont like them as people which is a sad thing to have to admit. Anyways the lies make you feel worthless and guarded i guess, its hard to explain, but I guess I am trying to. 

 

So when I was 18 i found out she existed and that was a shock, weird and hard but everything had to be pushed aside and *happy faces* put on. We e-mailed like a couple of times, we were quite similar it was scary loved the same things which i didnt expect as my brother hates a lot of the things I like except Gossip Girl lol :p but we were so similar and it was really weird but we were going to meet up and get to know each other which was both scary and exciting, however she soon changed her mind I guess I dont know she just stopped replying and blocked me out I guess. it was pretty painful and still is today but its what makes me sensitive to other peoples feelings and recognise when something is wrong I can see, feel, read peoples pain when they are hurt I suppose in a way I look out for it and try to help, let them know that someone is there for them and care, its something I never got or wanted as I simply dont share, I bottle things up and build walls tis what i am good at  

 

Remembering the good times and hurt as they will never be the same :

 

I have made this all in one as its simply me feeling down, grieving for two people I loved and are sadly not around anymore. Two people who were honest to a fault lol and would never lie to me, they showed me love, made me mad on occasion as I did them but I always knew i could count on them. When I was 17 yes a few months before my mother decided to tell me, my grandfather died he was a stubborn, insensitive, on occasion cruel and very honest but very blunt however he knew what he was and wouldnt change for anyone I was his princess I guess the one he loved his grand daughter, a lucky person who got to see the caring sensitive protective teddy bear that he really was, He could scare anyone lol but they never saw him with pink bobbins in his hair or got to cook with him or cuddle with him, I was a lucky girl and will always treasure him but when i feel down  I do miss him like hell and I dont think it will ever change and nor would i want it to.

 

My Grand mother died the year just gone a lovely woman who stook her head in the sand on occasion but knew more than she let on, she was a smart woman one I loved to death. I nursed her through her illness it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do but it was rewarding it gave me a sense of love and allowed her to die with grace. When others let her be and didnt believe she was as sick as she was, which they didnt, it was up to me to make them see sense and my father hated me and I dont mean dislike I mean hate as he didnt want to see what was happening despite everything he wouldnt come to terms with it. I didnt want to either for christ sake who wants to watch someone die but had to as decisions had to be made and I will forever have that in my head now, no matter what is said and done I will forever be wondering what if I had made them act sooner, what if i had paid more attention, Could i have done anything different, so many things race through your mind when in reality i know I couldnt have done anymore it doesnt make it hurt any less or stop me thinking about things any less. It will be something I live with and think about for ever.

 

These two people meant the world to me and When i am feeling lost the feeling of missing them will forever be with me. I love them so much and always will <3 xxxxx

 

Right as to why I am writing this:

 

I was having a down week as I previously said and all of the above were on my mind so I decided to step back away from everyone and everything. Tis what I do I needed space to clear my mind as I was upset and in tears and still am upset and in tears as I am writing this but i needed to get this off my chest and set some things straight.

 

I started to get messages from a friend someone i really cared about and so i explained what was up and that I just needed some time. I explained all of the above on many occasions to her including this one but I came to realise it wasnt me she was bothered about it was herself. A good friend would recognise when you are down and respect that instead of hurt your feelings and make you cry. Said friend was not actually a friend I have learned but a user and someone who needs attention i guess, someone which i cant help as its my opinion they love the attention they get from people. 

 

On Monday everything became clear to me, I had spent the day talking to her and trying to make her see that I wasnt pulling away from her, I wasnt blaming her and I certainly wasnt meaning to upset her. When i think of this now I think christ I was in tears and instead of understanding and respecting my wishes she only thought about herself. Stupidly i guess I thought we had worked everything out were laughing again and I thought i  had helped her see it wasnt about her it was about me. I know this may sound selfish but occasionally in life you need to think about yourself and not others but for me I hate to see someone upset i try and help but i was a mess myself so thought she had understood it wasnt about her, it was just me needing some space in my real life and that she would respect that.

 

She didnt respect it I guess and that is when the games started, she unfollowed me, she sent me a message telling me she had pmd me when i tried to return i couldnt as she wasnt following me, I thought twitter was acting up or something but then i got to the pm and she said she had unfollowed me. Now for a lot i know this sounds a bit petty or whatever but this was a person I trusted and opened up to and it was a shock to be honest but without it my eyes wouldnt have been opened. I replied to the pm saying fair enough and Good bye. It was simple and effective and said what i wanted to say.

 

However I then started to get hounded by texts, pms, facebook messages it was a mess, her game of being able to refollow me and get more attention had reached a problem, I had blocked her and made my account private temporarily. I guess she was expecting me to accept her back and give her the attention she wanted or whatever but thats not me I do not play games with people and will not have them played on me.

 

I am still getting messages and they go from aggressive to happy to be honest its quite scary but one thing is for certain I have not replied to any since my final message of good bye. For all those wondering what has happened nothing is the case I havent said a word to her I have said all I am willing or wanting to say to her. I know she is tweeting stuff about me as i can see and get dms and pms asking questions which is why she is doing it. She is simply looking for attention and doing a very good job at getting it.

 

Jealousy is a thing people suffer with and this is the case with her I am afraid, she wanted to be me or something which is madness as I am just a normal person with issues and a hell of a lot of baggage. She even told people to stop tweeting me I had someone say this to me a long time ago and I didnt believe it as the person wasnt the sanest lol and I didnt think people would do that but since monday I have had people tell me who I will not grass up that she had asked them to do the same. One person saying it is just a warning, more than one which is the case is a pattern. 

 

This is my final say on everything related to her and I didnt want to have to do or say any of this but things are getting too much and I need to put a stop to things once and for all. I do not want people to have to choose or take sides which is why i have stayed silent but enough is enough for me and I need to speak. This is the honest truth whether you choose to unfollow me as a result is up to you if you do I wish you nothing but the best  

 

I am not a bad person I hope anyone who takes the time to read it sees that and I do have a heart one that loves people and often gets hurt by people this is the case at the minute. I have my ups and my downs, I am very sensitive and care for anyone, I have a lot of love to give out and would like to think i am an open enough book that will say it as I feel it and never lie. I put my backround into this as it both is relevant to what happened and it is relevant to me as a person, love me or hate me I can only be me and thats all I will ever be. Sorry for boring you all if anyone bothered to read this.

 

lots of love, 

 

lainey xxxxxxx

Hello world!

Hello  

My name is lainey or Elaine formally and this is just a place for me to talk. It may be full of crap it may be interesting it really depends on what you are all into. I will be personal, i will be pass remarkable no doubt but most of all i will be me tis all i can ever be i promise you that.

Like it or dont tis up to you but trust that i will only ever give the truth and things i would say to your face and 100% stand by in real life. Definately not a key board warrior but i do have morals, values and ethics which i hope you all see and come to like  

Lots of love, 

lainey xxxxx