Some times I just want to write, what about? is the question I ask myself all of the time. It is so tough to remain private and yet share some thoughts and feelings. To me thoughts and feelings are intimate, they are what makes me tick so again the line between private and public becomes blurred. To share or to internally combust.
Finding and maintaining the balance between your head and your heart ruling what you do is tough and to be honest I don’t think there is a balance. For me there isn’t a set measure where you know which one to follow which is hard for a control freak with obsessive compulsive issues.
Lately I am struggling, I don’t trust many and that list seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the minute. I cut people out that is what I do, I test and the results are posted inside my over thinking brain with a pass(which is rare) or a Fail. Yes my head is a mindfield, I can’t help it, it is the way I am wired. You push me, inadvertantly or not and I will remember.
The funniest and yet bizzare part is that these people have not got a clue, I don’t share bottle it all up not to be repeated to another soul. It just comes out in a waffle filled blog without specifics in order to keep some of myself hidden.
My heart is the soft side of me, the side who wants to see the best in everyone, to forgive and just love. Its the side of me that sometimes gets me into trouble by not protecting myself enough and inevitably getting hurt. But the love that it allows me to have and share always outweighs the bad in the end. Unconditional love is the only kind that really matters in life well in my life anyways.
My head is the smart, strong and knowledgeable side of me, that knows exactly what I should do and what I want to do. It allows me to remember every thing I neeeeeedd to know in life whether it be school related, life related or just the gossip and reality tv show related!
My childhood memories consist of my parents asking me where they put certain things and me appearing 5 minutes later with them. No I did not hide them! haha! I just had like photographs of them in a certain place in my head that led me to them. Weirdly that is my talent my memory who on earth knows where I got it from but its there and it remembers everything from the place of meaningless household objects to someone hurting me intentionally or not.
Neither is all positive or negative but the issue I have is when they struggle to match up. Like why does your heart tell you to trust someone when your head is telling you run as far away as humanly possible. My head is a dangerous place that moves at the speed of light, it takes so long to switch it off sometimes which is why I type up waffle for no one to make sense of at random times of the night.
I know for a fact I am too sensitive for my own good, I repeat it in my head a million times a day. If I have doubt over how something is meant I repeat it in my brain until I combust and/or breakdown. Maybe if I shared or let someone know instead of breaking but I just do not feel comfortable telling or being that way in front of people. I can hold it in like a champ! I have trained myself so well.
Sometimes I feel like if I do say these things out loud or if I do post these somewhere, someone will judge and think I am mad but really I am just living the best way I can. I feel like shouting in some cases ‘until you walk a mile in a person’s shoes you should not judge them!’.
I am now asking what in the name of god have I written and why? It’s like verbal diarrhea, you start a simple sentence and then the flood gates open.
In the end the only person I write to and for is myself, it really is. Selfish and self centered but its the only way to bring some clarity out from behind clouds of darkness. I feel embaressed to hit send but it is necessary to get it out of my head completely otherwise it just seeps back in where as hitting send, releases it in some weird way.
I guess we all have our little quirks mine are mine nothing I can do about them at this stage!
I both love and hate writing, love clearing my brain yet hate sharing it! That is why god invented sleep so people like me could get crap off our chests without annoying people with pointless crap.