Getting shit out of my system!

Thinking as I go so bare with me…….

what makes people be so mean ? do they get a kick out of it ? do they really hate you that much ? Just why? 

I really struggle with upsetting people when I talk I guess I shouldnt bother anymore eh! people are just nasty! whether they mean to be or not they need to have a word with themselves I guess I shouldn’t bother anymore just stay cold, calculated, uncaring, not giving two shits about anyone bar myself! Not a fun life but a necessary one, sounds like the perfect balance right about now!  

Or is it lack of intelligence ? although some of the most intelligent people are shit with people! What is the answer ?! 

I reckon its a mixture a lack of intelligance and emotional intelligence! With a touch of Complete Ignorance ? People do not think before they act I wish they would but they dont! 

I know I over think and over emote but I have got to change, toughen up, become ignorant, stop over thinking and just dumb myself down! 

Might seem stupid to someone else I know I am odd but its hard to stand by and feel targeted I suppose for proving your point beyond a shadow of a doubt! Sometimes doing that isnt fun when the whole point is not to upset someone in the first place! Oh I give up! 

My head actually hurts now, I think I need to switch off completely! 

Oh and the plus of everything is I know no one really gives a shit! Enlightening! I expect too much from people and I am not worth it so I don’t blame anyone lol! 

Only so many times ya can get used like listen to me and then don’t get anything in return when ya need it eh! Not aimed at anyone but myself I should know better by now! 

Those few who I know care, sorry for getting so upset and sorry for making you worry. Christ this blog thing is really depressing haha! I guess me in a nutshell! Messed up! 

I don’t think anyone has ever asked but this is my favourite song!

If you are reading this sorry haha that will teach ya to open my links! 

Lets hope a better day tomorrow when the love of my life my nephew turns 2 where have the years gone! and Where are those bloody batteries ? Hes an adorable nightmare lol ❤

*goes to try and switch off* xxx

I.I..I…I….I…..I….. ( thinking out loud)

I.I..I…I….I…..I….. ( thinking out loud) 

I think I am probably one of the most depressing people in the world sometimes but in reality I promise I am not that bad, I just wear my heart on my sleave and when I lose someone that meant something to me I break, I crumble and just think I am a jinx that no one should ever get to close to. 

In the last year I found writing was the only way to clear my head, I couldn’t care less if anyone reads it but if you do I think it gives you an insight into my soul and how I am feeling at a particular space in time! So my *blog* gets that, along with my probably sick to death twitter followers sorry I am trying to spam so no one sees I promise! 

I hate loss of any kind but if its someone I feel I can trust whole hartedly its like a piece of me goes with that person. I wallow, feel sorry for myelf but inevitably get on with life and concentrate on being free to live my life free from any and all burden and with no lies, dear god no lies! 

I have never seen so many judgements before in life as I have recently, I believe in live and let live. I am a real person, not one who is nice all the time, people I know will attest to that, I am moody, I am annoying, I am a *know it all* been called so many names or had so many labels thrown at me in my time all I can say is I am me! Get to know me or don’t but along with all the bad I would do anything for anyone who needed it, I am an in it for life type of girl who rarely says things she doesnt mean ( However I do say things I have to take back it doesnt mean I didnt mean it when I said it though! ) I will always have your back if you need it and I am not afraid to fight for or against something I truly believe in. 

God this is depressing me lol I recently lost a friend so I need to write I am sorry, I just feel like waffling through the tears of another good person lost way too early. A proper friend is someone you can rely on, one who will be there no matter what, one who makes you feel safe, one who listens to ya waffle ( with me thats a must! ), one where you dont even have to speak but you know no matter what that person will be there for you. He was a friend one I wanted to get to know better but one who when we first met thought I was too good to be true lol like so many others, he didnt get that I am just me but within minutes of our first conversation he admitted that and appologised. It was an honour to talk to him, to laugh with him and to just cry with him when something went wrong. I realised last night how recently its always been him I went to and he listened for which I will be eternally greatful. I will miss him(selfishly), I prayed for the first time in a long time last night for him and his family, I will never know why god takes the best people in life too soon.

Words are cheap, I get that people say one thing mean another and I hate that, I mean what I say if I didnt there would be no point in saying it in the first place. I think too much for my own good but I often wonder when I talk to people do they mean this ?! will this really happen?! is it an empty promise ?! or is it an answer to quickly change the topic and not meant ?! lol I cant leave something until it is done or until I know for certain someone means what they say. Empty promises dont work on me anymore as quite frankly I dont trust many enough or let them get close enough to even try! *nod and smile* is my friend these days, makes the times when things do work out even more special. No expectations just what will be will be I suppose. Giving up trying to control that which is beyond control just meh! 

An example of my thinking too much is people have this notion I am too nice or that I am a sandwich short of a picnic, whatever the saying is lol but I am not while you are dismissing me I am reading and analysing you, something I can promise ya. I read into everything as everything a person does gives things away about there character. I am an expert in reading people in real life, well I would like to think although I do think anyone can tell someone who is going to stick it out and someone you can rely on from the weak and the users. For me tone does come accross in the written word too and it gives away your thoughts and in certain circumstances mannerisms. No I dont go searching everyones tweets and analysing lol its a gradual thing, you can in my opinion get a sense of a person whether they are sad, happy, funny….. the list goes on. 

God so now I am making myself a stalker lol meh what will be will be I am allowed to harmlessly waffle to myself unless I am missing something ?! 

The thing is life is not a buch of roses its hard, painful and full of suffering, I hope good comes from all that life throws at you, I guess I will always have that optimism that one day it will change and something decent will happen! 

Its my nanny’s 1 year anniversary mass this week, she will have been gone a year and I miss her, I miss her company, her snoring on the couch opposite me and feeling comfortable enough with just sitting with someone and knowing they loved you and saw the best in you and genuinely loved you mood swings and tantrums and all just love. I guess I have had enough love in my life I had her. Now I am as I like to think of it a jinx get close at your own perril, not too sure I am worth the hassle! Better just to be a person you can rely on from a distance than in reality?! 

Meh meh meh meh meh lol I do love that word so much can be said in so few characters! One I seem to use a lot lately but what can ya do :p 

Maybe tonight I shall get some sleep now that the constant spin cycle is out of my head and written down, I do hope so! 

❤ Always Xxxxx

Rest in peace everyone who is now at rest Xxxxx

❤ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKfzXq1gcG4 This song is epic says so much Xxxx